Coming Clean…

I must of sat here for at least 5 minutes, trying to think of what to call this post..I’m one of those people who title first, and fill in after. I read Judi’s Goals, and obviously since we live together, some of those goals are my goals as well. But goals aren’t all I wanted to talk about.

Most of you probably think the reason I don’t post often is that I’m busy. You’d be right. But it’s more than that. A few months ago I was diagnosed with depression. I’ve struggled with it off and on..more on..since I was a teenager. I never really knew what to call it then..just knew I’d get ‘down’, had trouble pulling myself out of it. It worsened in the winter. I thought I had ‘seasonal affective disorder’..and I may have that as well. But there’s something wrong with my brain, with my hormones, with my thinking patterns. It’s not just ‘ the baby blues’ either, although I go a little bit psycho when pregnant, apparently. ( Just ask Judi and Shane!) It’s real, and it’s debilitating. Before my diagnosis I used to think I was going crazy.  And you know how doctors on commercials often say ‘ do you suffer from depression?’ Well, they aren’t kidding. I suffered, my family suffered, and at times my friendships suffered. On any given day I had a 15 minute conversation with myself, basically where I bullied and guilted myself into getting out of bed.

Unfortunately for many, depression tends to go hand in hand with the term ‘MENTAL ILLNESS’, about which there is still a lot of stigma attached. I know I still feel that way myself sometimes, and I’ve been told I’m not crazy.  ( Or at least my kids haven’t driven me there yet!)

But I’m getting better. I’ve made some changes and some commitments that I know will help even more. And if I don’t know what it’s like to be really, truly happy..well at least I know how to smile again, for no reason at all..just because I have the use of my legs, the weather is warm and I’m listening to some awesome tunes in my ears.

If you haven’t gathered from the above paragraph and Judi’s post, that first commitment is to get exercise,  at least 20 minutes EVERY DAY. It doesn’t matter what, yoga, aerobics, brisk walk, game of one-on-one..just so long as I MOVE. Others include eating well, taking vitamins, making sure I get ME time, taking up the interests and hobbies I left behind when this episode hit a couple years ago. Yeah you read that right..it started getting really bad before my last daughter was born. What can I say, I’m pretty stubborn. And I felt that asking for help was admitting I was a failure.  So I tried to convince myself that I could manage on my own…

Moms are supposed to be self-less and take care of everyone else, right? Well, not this one. I have to make myself the most important person in the world now. I am intent on getting my life back, on being more than the person who makes lunches and changes diapers. More to the point I really want to ENJOY my kids..which I have learned no one can really do if you’re surrounded by them 24/7 and never get a break.

So..when it comes time to blog..sometimes I have trouble thinking of all the positives in my life. I stare at the screen and realize how full I am of negativity..and that isn’t something I really want to share. A little venting is good for the soul, but nobody wants to feel like a whiner. And that’s how I see myself, more often than I’d like. A whiner. A complainer. You see my negative thought patterns?

Speaking of break..bedtime’s a’comin’, and then I’ll be off  on my evening walk, enjoying my freedom and just being alive. No whining, no complaining, just moving and feelin’ good. 🙂

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4 responses to “Coming Clean…

  1. Yay for bedtime! You’re so not a whiner or complainer..not from what I can tell over the years.

    Girl, you’ve got a lot on your plate and yes sometimes it gets overwhelming. Depression definitely doesn’t make it any easier. So, I am thrilled to read you’re taking “you” time. Very much deserved and needed. 🙂

  2. YAY for you time. I can so relate to your post. I am glad you are getting what you need to get in a healthier spot. I won’t say better because I know it’s a not a get better kind of thing.

    I often feel like I am the downer of the party or the whiner. I can say that I have just recently decided to start finding that happy medium in my life again. And to stop letting things(people) bring me down and make me feel like I’m not worth much.

    ENJOY finding YOU again!!

  3. My husband suffers from depression. I have to say it isnt easy to live with so I cant imagine how awful it must be to have it. But the good thing with diagnosis is that suddenly the monster has a name, it isnt just a feeling, which also makes it more manageable. We still have some bad times but now I understand the triggers (not keeping busy, being alone, change, holidays!) it is all a lot more manageable than it was. Try to do some serious deep thinking, with others, about what your triggers are and how to avoid them. Might help.
    x

  4. Mom’s definitely need a break! They also NEED to take care of themselves first so they can best take care of their children. Happy mom=happy life.

    I also agree with the stigma of a mental illness. BF’s sister and my cousin both have been diagnosed with depression. Also my uncle had schizophrenia. The stigma related to that is awful. It’s unfair because it is not the person’s fault.

    At least with a diagnosis you can learn more about it and know that you are not alone.

    I hope you take some time to yourself and get better. Enjoy those evening walks 🙂

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