I must of sat here for at least 5 minutes, trying to think of what to call this post..I’m one of those people who title first, and fill in after. I read Judi’s Goals, and obviously since we live together, some of those goals are my goals as well. But goals aren’t all I wanted to talk about.
Most of you probably think the reason I don’t post often is that I’m busy. You’d be right. But it’s more than that. A few months ago I was diagnosed with depression. I’ve struggled with it off and on..more on..since I was a teenager. I never really knew what to call it then..just knew I’d get ‘down’, had trouble pulling myself out of it. It worsened in the winter. I thought I had ‘seasonal affective disorder’..and I may have that as well. But there’s something wrong with my brain, with my hormones, with my thinking patterns. It’s not just ‘ the baby blues’ either, although I go a little bit psycho when pregnant, apparently. ( Just ask Judi and Shane!) It’s real, and it’s debilitating. Before my diagnosis I used to think I was going crazy. And you know how doctors on commercials often say ‘ do you suffer from depression?’ Well, they aren’t kidding. I suffered, my family suffered, and at times my friendships suffered. On any given day I had a 15 minute conversation with myself, basically where I bullied and guilted myself into getting out of bed.
Unfortunately for many, depression tends to go hand in hand with the term ‘MENTAL ILLNESS’, about which there is still a lot of stigma attached. I know I still feel that way myself sometimes, and I’ve been told I’m not crazy. ( Or at least my kids haven’t driven me there yet!)
But I’m getting better. I’ve made some changes and some commitments that I know will help even more. And if I don’t know what it’s like to be really, truly happy..well at least I know how to smile again, for no reason at all..just because I have the use of my legs, the weather is warm and I’m listening to some awesome tunes in my ears.
If you haven’t gathered from the above paragraph and Judi’s post, that first commitment is to get exercise, at least 20 minutes EVERY DAY. It doesn’t matter what, yoga, aerobics, brisk walk, game of one-on-one..just so long as I MOVE. Others include eating well, taking vitamins, making sure I get ME time, taking up the interests and hobbies I left behind when this episode hit a couple years ago. Yeah you read that right..it started getting really bad before my last daughter was born. What can I say, I’m pretty stubborn. And I felt that asking for help was admitting I was a failure. So I tried to convince myself that I could manage on my own…
Moms are supposed to be self-less and take care of everyone else, right? Well, not this one. I have to make myself the most important person in the world now. I am intent on getting my life back, on being more than the person who makes lunches and changes diapers. More to the point I really want to ENJOY my kids..which I have learned no one can really do if you’re surrounded by them 24/7 and never get a break.
So..when it comes time to blog..sometimes I have trouble thinking of all the positives in my life. I stare at the screen and realize how full I am of negativity..and that isn’t something I really want to share. A little venting is good for the soul, but nobody wants to feel like a whiner. And that’s how I see myself, more often than I’d like. A whiner. A complainer. You see my negative thought patterns?
Speaking of break..bedtime’s a’comin’, and then I’ll be off on my evening walk, enjoying my freedom and just being alive. No whining, no complaining, just moving and feelin’ good. 🙂